#the kind of slur that upsets me and not other internet people

[wroteclassicaly]

All these people in the gator and fargo tag complaining of people thirsting over gator, calling him a nazi and how dare people find the humanity in him but praising joe for his great job like he didnt find the humanity in this character and played him to be someone you feel for. 🤡

Then being pro munch like he doesnt have problematic traditional values either

Honestly so tired of these people virtue signaling and having no nuance or media literacy for the sake of internet points, its exhausting and they just look annoying and stupid

Okay, so I wasn’t sure if I was going to answer this, because I’m trying to stay out of things. But I’ve gotten several messages like this, and I’m writing for Gator, so I feel like I owe my take on him, which had a major influence on my choice to continue.

TW below the cut, discussing Gator and his issues:

I live in a Midwestern, republican town. Everyone here owns flags like Gator’s, has blue lives matter flags, etc. If you’re raised into that life and it’s all your family knows/the people around you know - you will likely adapt to that way of thinking as well. I was fortunate enough to be able to break away from how the people around me thought and felt, forming my own opinions and expressing my disgust for the blue lives matter crap and the flag, etc. My parents are heavily republican (carry all that side’s beliefs) and so is my brother.

It’s an incredibly suffocating and confusing environment to grow up in, especially if you have no way to safely think and form your own opinions. Again, I’m grateful I could break away and think for myself!!!!

Now, discussing Gator. I just want to say that it never said he was a Nazi! Roy was. Gator was misogynistic and racist.

I’m going to compare Gator to a character called Mickey Milkovich (now this will probably upset people, due to Mickey’s character being a gay man), but I’m mostly comparing fathers/environments. Mickey and Gator were raised by two dangerous and horrific men, who beat and brain washed their sons into one way of thinking - theirs. Products of their environment, (Mickey used slurs, had flags like Gator, weapons, drugs, and even had nazi items on his wall) and what is called ‘learned racism’. They have no safe way to think for themselves, no other people around to show them love or kindness, help lead them towards a different way. Mickey found that with Ian and was able to develop and fully nurture the kindness/goodness that was in him, and he had over ten seasons to grow!

Gator only had Nadine and 10 episodes. When she left he began to let his warped devotion to the only person he had a blood connection with - flood him, outweigh his own personal goodness. Dot said it herself when she said his need to be like Roy outweighed the goodness inside. He was a product of the father and the environment. He didn’t have his own way of thinking, not really, he clung to what was beat and brainwashed into him, trying to find love and approval from his abuser/only blood relative/only person he was around (very common).

Am I excusing that? Absolutely not! Gator was not entirely a good person, and he knew that as well! He made choices he knew were wrong, to impress and gain affection from a sociopathic, demonic man. Gator was responsible for what he did, so this is not me trying to excuse or argue that!!

The only way for him to become free of who he was molded to be (he has no clue who he is, just a weak prototype of what he tried to be, hardly anything that is his own), was for him to become blind in order to see, and start serving his time. They left his ending open, which is a great way for those of us who choose to write for him - to explore his mental freedom and further nurture the soft/good side of him!

We don’t know how Gator would act or think (he was immediately apologetic to Dot and didn’t hesitate to give Roy up when he saw he wasn’t loved or cared for, so he didn’t need to protect his father), now that he is away from the environment and the man that molded him into the character he was on the show.

Gator was still a child trapped in a man’s body in some aspects; his temper tantrums, his knee jerk reactions, his hot headed plans without thought, his bedroom items (the toy cars, the sneakers, etc), his blinding anger towards Dot for leaving him behind (not even faulting her, because baby girl needed to get out and I’m glad she did). The show also alluded to the fact that he might have been addicted to some kind of substance he was stealing, as well.

Feelings on Munch are that he’s got just as much issues, lol. And we hardly knew much on him, tbh? What he did in the past, other than what he said.

Anyways, that’s my take on Gator.

We all have the right to feel how we feel!! Hate or love Gator, see his humanity or not. Some of the things his character represented effect a whole lot of people, so they have a right to be upset! There’s a lot of different factors and feelings involved!! I only look sideways at you if you thought his torture and eyes getting burnt/cut was what he deserved, because that’s just gross!

But at the end of the day, none of us who do love Gator/write for him — condone Gator’s actions! Seeing the layers and humanity in a character Joe put his all into, is perfectly normal/okay!

Sometimes there’s areas in between, and it’s not just either/or.

But I will say that not everyone who feels this way is just doing it for internet points! A lot of people have valid points/feelings about the dislike of Gator, to which I will not/have no business arguing, you know? There’s also other people that make callout posts for clout and false superiority, without even recognizing what Gator actually did and they just pull stuff outta their ass, lol.

If you don’t like Gator fans or writers, then just scroll!! It’s easy, I promise! No one is hurting anyone or being malicious!! ❤️

[canmom]

i was a very online teenager. i struggled with in-person interpersonal relationships and spent a lot of time on a much less sanded down internet than the one we have today. and my peers at school were on that same internet.

so of course i saw porn of various kinds, from goofy flash videos to the standard catalogue of shock images (goatse, meatspin etc.). like most kids my age, we took it mostly as a big joke. it was exciting mostly only because it was forbidden, like swearing. so people would talk about something like 2girls1cup, and whether you'd seen it, in much the same way you'd talk about having seen gory shock horror films like Saw. none of this was particularly upsetting or shocking. (i found gore way more discomforting, in general.)

even so, the whole environment was rife with repression. and frankly, 'imply someone is gay' ('batty boy' is one especially goofy slur i remember) being a default category of joke did way more damage than knowing some people are into scat or playing a flash game where you can see a drawing of some boobs. implicitly sexual insults would be common, often playing on someone's naivete. i got very used to 'do you have ginger pubes'. tricking someone into saying something 'sexual' without understanding, and then laughing at them, was another one - i suppose it functioned a way of showing your proximity to the mysterious adult world of knowing about sex.

so after a few years of that, i went through a whole period of just... trying to distance myself from having anything to do with sex. we didn't have 'asexuality' language back then, but i probably would have jumped on it if it had been available. 'sex is gross' was the only frame i had to distance myself from how my classmates talked about sexuality, because i didn't have a handle on what was really up, just that i didn't like it. projecting 'i am above it all and find it disgusting' was a form of armour that calcified around me and ultimately did tons of damage to my ability to understand my own feelings. as i got older, this got mixed up in the moralistic rhetoric of online 'social justice'.

when i got to university and finally started to knock down that wall, i had to speedrun figuring out "how to do relationship". (i dived into polyamory head first, and of course that all went as badly as first relationships usually do.) it's been messy.

i reckon if i'd been willing to approach subcultures as a teenager that had given more room to experiment with like, desire and expression and so on... like if i hadn't let the background contempt get under my skin, for the emos and furries and whatever other 'having too much of the wrong kind of fun' social group we were all supposed to hate... i would probably have been a lot happier! if i'd had any out gay people around me before age 17!

the idea of trying to make sure people never see anything ever related to sex until they're 18, outside of whatever the government deigns to allow to be said in sex ed class, is so hopelessly arse-backwards. it's not going to work - a generation that grew up on the internet is going to be way better at getting to what they want to see than the censors are at blocking it, so the main function of the censorship is to reinforce the idea that they're looking at something shameful and secret. it's not going to protect kids - if anything i suspect it's going to make them more vulnerable to exploitation and mistreatment, either by adults who can offer 'access to the forbidden secrets of sexuality', or by their peers by producing this dumbass hierarchy. and tbh i think knowing about all the weird fetishes there are in the world is actually a really beneficial thing, in the same category of 'seeing your grandma's tits at the spa'.

unless, i guess, what you really want to do is teach everyone how to bypass censorship and distrust authority figures? i think there might be better ways to do that, though!

[creatureheart]

Welcome!

Welcome to a simple blog for me to explore things about myself and my nonhuman identity, and to simply reblog relevant posts and things that I like.

You can call me Pandora. New nicknames are welcome. They/It, Adult(31) Horse, Hyena

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[[ Carrd ]] Other Sites — content will be similar [[ CoHost | TikTok | Bluesky | Pillowfort | Dreamwidth ]] [[ Main Blog available on request. ]] [[ Tags ]] — my tags for ease of access and mobile users.

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Replies, comments and asks/submissions are always welcome.

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I block, unfollow and filter liberally, because it is not on other people to cater my online space for me. If I see something I don't like, I remove it from my sight and move on. I take ZERO responsibility for other's online experience as this is my blog. Learn to cater your own online space as it's only on you to do so. If you see anything you don't like that I post or reblog, just unfollow and/or block. People just looking for an argument or who are rude will be blocked and reported. Comments along the lines of looking for a fight or being rude will be deleted.

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Before You Follow found below the cut:

I am an Adult - Dec '93 If you are not ok with this, and I follow you, please soft block, or block me to keep yourself comfortable.

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I am Queer/Asexual and Indigenous(Australian).

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Most of this blog will be SFW, but there still might be possible adult content on this blog, which will be tagged. Keep this in mind if you are a minor or do not wish to see such!

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I try to tag everything that I reblog with general, wide tags when they are useful. Use the content filter options and/or xkit to stop from seeing what you don't want to see. I do not tolerate hateful comments towards any animal, especially insects, spiders and other "creepy crawlies" and will block on sight. I understand phobias and squicks, but ALL ANIMALS are worthy of respect and life. This goes DOUBLE for anyone that makes comments on people's pets.

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I'm not here for internet drama and discourse, don't drag me into it or tell me about it. I have more important things to worry about.

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I support systems of all origins, including endogenic. I also support physically identifying nonhumans and alterhumans, whatever their reason for identifying this way is.

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I use the word Queer. If you do not believe in reclaiming slurs or you tag things as "q slur" just block me. I am also kink positive, pro-sex education, pro-sex worker, etc.

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Thought crime AND thought heroism does not exist.

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I am of the old internet mindset of "if you don't like it, don't look" and "don't go looking for things you know you don't like/you know will upset you."

Only person to blame for interacting with things you don't like is yourself. Learn to remove yourself from the situation instead of placing all blame on other people who probably didn't even know you were there, or wanted you there, in the first place.

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I'm old and tired, and kids these days would probably label me a "proshipper" as I believe there is way more nuance to this entire thing than simply the black and white mindset that the internet & fandom communities have shifted to over time. I do not condone any taboo or problematic content IRL. But it is not my place, or my right to tell others what they can and cannot do in fiction/fantasy.

I do not condone harassment over fictional characters, ships, etc, and if you're one of the people who think that this is ok, or that someone should die because they think differently than you, block me. It's unrealistic to believe that anything created that holds taboo or problematic content means the one who created it condones it IRL. This falls along the same kind of mindset mostly conservative parents spat that "violent video games make people violent", which we all know is not true. Censoring problematic content will not stop people from creating it. They will just create it where you cannot see it, which in turn could make it harder to find, and harder to stop when actual harm is dealt. Can fictional/fantasy content affect reality? Sure! I will never say otherwise. But to believe that it always does is, again, unrealistic, and assuming that most people cannot differentiate between the two. Fiction and fantasy were created for people to be able to entertain ourselves, and to explore topics that we never would, or were impossible, in the real world in the safety of our minds and spaces we created. The actions of those who use fictional content as a reason to do taboo and problematic things in real life is entirely on them, and they need to seek professional help for their paraphilias, or harmful actions. If something... - happens between two(or more) consenting ADULTS - makes someone happy - does not harm themselves or anyone/anything IRL ...then what other people do is none of my business.

Dividers by benkeibear

[threewaywithdelusion]

Someone who's good at internet-speak (ie, not me) should write a fic about Richmond's crusade against homophobia, but in the format of posts and articles.

It starts when Isaac attacks the fan at the Richmond v. Brighton game. The tv cameras didn't catch what the fan said, only Isaac's reaction, but maybe people filmed it and put it online or maybe the fan does an angry Tiktok video or whatever. Unconfirmed rumors start that Isaac threw hands because of the f-slur. A lot of people don't believe it, because why would a (presumably straight) footballer care about something like that? Some queer fans are touched that someone cares about that language being used in football. Others are outraged that a team captain would get himself red-carded over something so minor.

Several months later (next season, after Ted's already gone home), a fan for the opposing team shouts something kind of homophobic from the stands. (This is in a world where either Colin and Michael didn't kiss after beating West Ham or miraculously zero people saw it and filmed it and posted it, so Colin isn't out). Some of the players stand at the corner of the pitch and begin shouting back at the fan, heckling them, but without actually going into the stands. Maybe Richard, Bumbercatch, and Jan Maas? I feel like Richard would be sassy and Jan Maas would be devastatingly straightforward and Bumbercatch would say something entirely out of pocket.

(Also, Colin wouldn't want to out himself by standing up for himself. Isaac is just fighting to keep his temper and not storm the stands again. Dani and Sam are too nice to yell insults at fans, even homophobic ones. And I literally cannot imagine Jamie is straight, which means he would be trying to fly under the radar just like Colin).

This time, the news hits the internet complete with videos. The players are definitely reacting this way to homophobia and it's blowing everyone's minds. Now the conversation shifts from people trying to say these are baseless rumors to center around two questions: 1) Are the Richmond players right or wrong to care so much about this and to allow it to disrupt matches? Is football about playing or about culture? 2) Why do Richmond players care so much?

There's rampant speculation online: This is Ted's influence, because he's American and they care about all this PC bullshit over there. This is some kind of publicity stunt. One of the players must be gay.

That last one gets some traction, but who is it? Isaac, who was the first one to act upset? Jamie, who *gestures at all of Jamie*? Someone else entirely?

At Richmond matches, some players from the other teams start saying shit to bait Richmond into fouls and yellow cards. As it starts to affect how Richmond plays, even the pundits take notice. The sexuality of the Richmond players is now a full-blown topic of discussion.

Everyone is curious to find out what the hell is going on. Roy gets asked about this every week at the post-game press conference. Clips appear online of players having microphones shoved in their faces and being asked who is the gay player on the team, though they all hold the line and refuse to answer. Entire threads are devoted to speculating about who on the team must be gay.

There should be tweets and tumblr posts and news articles. In the end, either Colin and Michael come out, or RoyJamieKeeley come out. Or both, and the fans are completely overwhelmed that so many of them were right when speculating about the players but also wrong because no one predicted there would be multiple gay players on the team (and coaching staff).

[satninroses]

Drunken Care | A.B x Reader

(A/N): First Austin request :-), Supa cute!! Hope you enjoy :-))

Summary: Austin takes care of drunk reader.

Pairing: Austin Butler x Fem! Reader

Word count: 1,083

Warnings: Drunk reader, throwing up, swearing, mentions of sadness.

The party had started somewhere at 4:00 P.M. At this point, it was almost 1:00 in the morning ad there were still plenty of people at his house.

You knew Austin from childhood. You were close friends from elementary to high school. He left about a year after your senior year to pursue a career in acting and you supported him all through it. Both of you stayed in touch after everything and talked practically everyday.

When he invited you to the party, you were eager to see how he was after all these years of chatting through the internet. You wanted to envelope him in a tight hug as if he was the one thing grounding you to this Earth.

When you arrived, Austin had pushed his way through the sea of bodies to get to you. This made your heart so happy. You had missed him so much that you couldn’t stop the cascade of happy tears from falling down your face.

You had spent the whole night chatting and catching up with eachother, reliving childhood memories, embarrassing moments, and so much more.

During your conversations, he would be invited to a toast in his name and to his accomplishments. You think there may have been 9 or 10 toasts. You really couldn’t remember at this point. All the drinks entering your system wound you up and unraveled you into a drunk girl.

You sat on his couch staring at your phone, which was upside down and backwards, waiting for him to get back from grabbing a few snacks. While he had drunk to his toasts, he could obviously handle his alcohol better than you could.

“Hey (Y/N). You doing ok?” He placed his hand on the small of your back to get your attention. You sluggishly turned your head to gaze into his pretty eyes. How were they so pretty? How was he so pretty?

You felt tears well up in your eyes at the sight of him. “Oh Austin! I mmmisssed youu! I didn’t know what I was gunna do without you!” You dug your head into the crook of his shoulder and let yourself cry.

“Oh, it’s ok! I’m here now, ok? Don’t cry, I’m right here.” He pat your back reassuringly and laid a small kiss on your forehead. He stood you up to walk you outside for some fresh air. This proved to be a challenge. Your foot- brain coordination was not on point due to your intoxication. You stumbled a bit before finally gripping his shirt and the wall. “Where are we going,” you slurred.

“I’m just gonna take you outside for some air. Is that ok?” He continued to lead you out onto his back deck in hope of calming you down a little bit. You finally reached the back door and he unlocked it. You stepped out into the slightly chilly June night.

An extreme wave a nausea hit you like a cinder block. Your knees hit the ground and your hands rushed to cover your mouth.

“(Y/N)! Hold still i’ll get your a bucket or something!” Before Austin had the chance to stand up and go search for something to catch your puke, it was too late.

You let out that days meals in a painful manner. You were absolutely humiliated. While throwing up did somewhat sober you up, you were still to far gone to stand on your own and clean it. “Oh god. Ok, stay here! It’s gonna be ok. Can you try and make it to that lawn chair for me?” You nodded slowly has to not upset your head more.

For a full five minutes, you sat on the chair and stared at the vomit in embarrassment. “I threw up on his porch. What kind of friend am I?” You began to sob again. “What if he thinks I’m gross and rude?” A hand touches your back.

“I don’t think anything but the world of you. You’re just a little drunk, and we’re gonna get you back on your feet, ok?” Austin went around the chair and kneeled in front of you. In one of his hands were two Ibuprofen and a few crackers. In the other hand was a glass of ice water. “Take these, munch on these crackers, and sip on the water ok?”

You took the pills and swallowed them. You had taken a few more sips of water. He held an outstretched hand towards you. With your free hand, you grabbed it and walked with him back into the home and upstairs. He led you to a large master bedroom. He sat you on the bed. “Stay here, ok? I need to run downstairs.”

You sat alone in silence again for a few more minutes. He returned upstairs with your purse, phone, and a sweatshirt.

“I told everyone to head home. Said some goodbyes. I brought you this in case you wanted to change into something more comfortable. You can use the bathroom right here if you want.”

At this point, you were more sober than you were 20 minutes ago. Still not completely sober. You stripped off your dress and heels as well as your bra. You slipped the sweatshirt on over yourself. You grabbed a pair of his shorts from the laundry basket in the corner of the bathroom.

You walked back into the room and sat on the bed.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah. I’m really sorry that I threw up on your porch.”

“It’s ok. Accidents happen.”

You smile at him and give him a hug. He wrapped his arms around your torso comfortingly. After some time, you let him go and stared at him.

“Do you want me to take the guest room?”

“No it’s ok. You can sleep in here. I’d prefer it too. That way in case you aren’t feeling well I can help you out.”

You laid your back down on the bed and let out a long exhale. “Thank you Austin.”

He smiles again and offers you a sweet kiss on the forehead. before laying beside you. “Anything for you (Y/N).”

You both maneuvered your way under the covers where you fell asleep next to Austin. While being one of your most embarrassing moments, you were glad to be with him again. That was all that mattered.

[insane-behavior]

Just got told to kill myself, feeling good. Also just got called the r slur, feeling good

The ironic thing is the idea that this hurts me. I, personally, am fine. What upsets me about it is that it *could* do genuine harm to others. You never know what people online are going through or what their lives look like. Saying hurtful things online can and does have real world consequences.

I hope anyone who's mean online for fun can log off and heal. It's okay to point out when someone is in the wrong, but you can do it without intentionally doing harm.

I also hope anyone who sees this will be kind on the internet. The world is a terrible place. Don't make it worse. Just say something nice instead. Criticism and disagreement is valid, but attacking people isn't. Be kind to strangers. It costs you nothing. Sometimes it's difficult and when it is, just don't say anything at all. Just because you're having a bad day doesn't mean you have the right to inflict harm on others.

[bylertruther]

Im like slash gen confused on the gnc debate like what sparked this. Will is canonically the most visibly gay out of everyone in the show according TO the show, so why are people so against it? Like I get headcannoning mike as gnc but that doesn’t take away or mean that Will isn’t bc he canonically is. I’m Actually confused

I wish I knew lmao. People think that calling him that or acknowledging the misogyny involved in being assumed to be gay due to a perceived lack of masculinity is somehow homophobic and enforcing stereotypes. As if refusing to acknowledge a very real phenomenon that still occurs now and thus insinuating that "those" kinds of gay people are invalid is somehow morally correct lmao.

Will is the ONLY character who is called all of the many slurs he faces and he's the only character we've seen be targeted for his sexuality. Will has never done anything with boys—he doesn't get called a fairy because of that, he gets called a fairy because of the way he acts and how he exists outside of what Hawkins deems to be acceptable masculinity.

We know that he's a sensitive kid who isn't like anyone else and who gets made fun of. They call him names and they make fun of his clothes among other things. The words used to describe him—gentle, soft spoken, sensitive, artistic—were all euphemisms for gay (and still are in some places, since the internet does not reflect real life and we do not live in a homophobia-rid utopia). Like, this is part of his character design. Those are the words of the Duffers themselves. He's the only character that experiences any of that. If you want to consider actor opinion, too, Noah has spoken for years about how Will feels like he doesn't fit in anywhere, that he's sensitive, scared of everything, he's the one that takes care of his friends emotionally, and so on and so forth.

I don't know why it's such a big issue or why it's something so many people are, like... unwilling to even consider. Men get called gay whenever they're deemed "not masculine enough." Nonconforming behavior is a part of Will's homosexuality and that nonconforming behavior is what clued the people of Hawkins in to who he is. They could've just called him a twerp, or called him a nerd the way they do Mike, but they don't. Instead, they call him gay and a fairy and his father calls him the f slur and he has people ranging from his peers to adults talking about his sexuality. Like, not even Robin gets that treatment lol. Will is literally the only one, and they went out of their way to show us that first thing.

Will isn't a stereotype. Not being super masculine does not equal being super feminine. Gender nonconformity is not about just what you look like, and it's based on your society's values as a whole, not your personal leftist values. Feminine gay men exist and have done so much for our community, and seeing people inadvertently hate on them online makes me wanna throw bricks. Headcanons are not canon, and discussing canon is not a diss to anyone's headcanons because those are two different discussions.

This was one of those things that I naively thought everyone knew only to post about it online and receive so much hate about it. People get really defensive when you talk about how Mike is canonically written. The same thing would happen whenever I'd post in support of Mike with a sword. People really act like you're disrespecting them personally and get super petty and spiteful, and I don't get it. Have your headcanon if you want, but don't get upset that it's just that: a headcanon.

The Duffers nor Finn speak about Mike the way they do, and the behavior Mike has exhibited on screen does not support the wimpy, meek, known by everyone to be gay caricature that they cling to and suggest is actually canon. If it was JUST a headcanon to them, then they wouldn't get so upset about it, but they do. They don't like the way Mike's sexuality has been depicted thus far, and now it's everyone else's problem, too.

There's more than one way to be gay, and those experiences help shape who we are. Will has never fit in and instead has always stuck out. The fact that he's never been allowed inside, so to speak, is why he tries his best to embrace/explore his otherness and clings to people who can make him feel better for being different. Mike has always been Wrong—deemed a nerd, then a hellion, then a satanist—but he's able to blend in well enough to not be found out. He gets mocked and bullied, but at least he can pass as straight and be targeted for that instead of his sexuality. He still has a shot at conforming and playing by the rules, even if it isn't fulfilling or something that comes naturally to him. This is in part why he became so attached to Eleven and why he struggles to accept that he can still be worthy without her.

I just... I don't know, man. I'm confused, too, lol.

[sanriomantic]

brain soup: #0

The beginning

Disclaimer: This is a series where I discuss sensitive topics, primarily based on my own experiences with mental illness, the symptoms that come with such mental health issues, trauma, and such. I am in no way, shape, or form a mental health professional. I am merely speaking based on my own experiences as a patient, and sufferer/survivor of such circumstances.

Some topics that I cover in this series of posts may not be appropriate for those under 18, and that will be specified at the beginning of each post in this series.  Some topics that will be discussed will include and not be limited to:

Mental illnesses/disorders

Neurodivergence (Autism, in my case)

Symptoms of mental illnesses

Bullying & other assaults

Repeated Child Abuse (physical, verbal, emotional/psychological, and sexual)

Bullying

Manipulation

Trauma (and the effects of Trauma, on all aspects of life)

Self-injurious behaviours

Disordered eating

Suicidal ideation & attempts

Psychotic Symptoms

Intrusive & Impulsive thoughts

Mood disorder symptoms

Drug & substance use discussions

Hospitalisation 

Medications

Age regression (non-sexual)

Some Extra Rules for you to keep in mind:

I am not your Therapist, I am a stranger on the internet talking about my experiences. I am here to shed light on my experiences that may help others understand their experiences and feel less alone.

Please do not, and I repeat Do not call me “Strong”,I find it quite upsetting. I had no choice to be anything other than “Strong”. So please do not say I am strong.

This isn’t a competition. I am not here to say “My trauma is worse than yours!!”, “My illness is worse than yours!!”. Such comparisons are not welcome. We are all different people, and we all cope differently. What may affect me horribly, may not affect you the same and vice versa. 

I will not tolerate the use of any slurs, towards anyone. If you are going to call someone a racist, ableist, LGBT-phobic, or any other slur please leave until you grow up a little bit to realise that language like that isn’t “cool”.

Please be kind to others, and yourself.

At the beginning of every post I will be posting trigger warnings relevant to that specific post. If you are uncomfortable, or at risk of injuring yourself or someone else please discuss this with a medical professional and take care of yourself first and foremost. 

So hello. Call me Cy (They/Them). I am currently 19. I am an LGBTQ+, Neurodivergent, Mentally ill artist! My art (which is mainly illustrations and poetry) focuses on mental health topics and is heavily inspired by styles like: Menhera, YamiKawaii, Pastel Goth, and other cute but sinister styles.This series is called “brain soup” and this is instalment zero! This is a series where I speak on topics of mental health, and my experiences with the symptoms of illnesses I suffer from, and the experiences that I’ve lived (and survived) through.Which often isn’t pretty, or glamorous. I will speak frankly, bluntly, and I will not delve into details that I am not willing to discuss openly. 

So I hope you can gain some sense of comfort, or community through my experiences. 

Thank you very much for your time, and support.

much love, be kind.

[whore-crusher]

WAIT OKAY RECAP FOR ME, SOMEONE WHO LITERALLY JUST GOT HERE: i saw you second post, peaked in to find the first, and was like 'huh, weird to ask someone to not use a name, you don't own it', then did a lil hunting of my own cause i Did Not know who you were talking about but i'm Nosy

and i saw the post that pup made and was like 'damn, sad they're not around anymore, but i got my own problems with the hlvrai fandom, have fun getting better ig' and i scrolled a bit on pup's blog and was like 'oh okay, you wanted a distinction between Your gordie, and other gordies, sure, you went about it weird but ig i understand. big ol miscommunication' and MOVED ON

and then. hours later. i'm scrolling. people are jumping down your throat ?? because APPARENTLY that big old giant long post was made Because of you being like 'that was fucking weird to ask me not to use a NAME' and ?? pup got SO FUCKING UPSET that they just LEFT THE INTERNET

i'm so confused. what the fuck.

THEY LEFT??? Anon, I'll be so honest, I made my posts as a one-off "hey isn't this kind of weird and funny" thing for my friends and the like 2 followers I have. I woke up today, sick as all hell, opened Tumblr and had hundreds of notifications from people either dming me like "Hey sorry you're being harassed" or sending me anon asks calling me insults for daring to have an opinion on Tumblr. I haven't checked pups account since I made the og post + have ignored most notifications I've gotten since I prefer to have discussions instead of being yelled at. I only knew that they left discord, not THE INTERNET. OVER ONE POST.

It only shocks me how chronically online someone has to be that a single post, where they went completely unnamed, got them so upset they had to LEAVE the INTERNET. And make a post that has made me be actually harassed by random people (most of whom that I can't block if I wanted to since they're sending anon asks) when my post was not harassment by any means and did not tell people to harass her.

Also since it WAS just a miscommunication she could've just... literally DMed me. "Hey Simon, saw your post, here's what I meant: [blah blah blah]" and I would've DELETED IT..???? They could've stopped this whole thing by replying to me on AO3 with an explanation instead of just deleting the original comment those months ago.

Anyways Thanks for being Just As Confused as this whole thing is making me. And for not calling me 6 bajillion slurs like most people in my asks see fit to do right now!

[neverendingparable]

Challenge 1 - The Phone Call

WARNING: mentions of parental death, alcohol abuse, domestic disputes.

CALL UP YOUR BROTHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. IF HE ANSWERS, HANG UP AND CALL AGAIN UNTIL YOU GET HIS VOICE MAIL.

TELL HIM ABOUT THE WORST THING HE EVER DID TO YOU. BRING UP EVERY UPSETTING DETAIL. TELL HIM YOU DO NOT FORGIVE HIM.

SEND US THE RECORDING.

W.BG

~

Stellan stares at the text through the blurry haze of alcohol, his mind fighting off fatigue and incredulity. They want him to do...what?

What kind of cruel, twisted joke is this?

He should delete the text, block the number and go to sleep. What the hell was he thinking, giving away a number to some assholes on the internet. It isn’t his own personal number but still, people can track you in all kinds of ways. They somehow know he has a brother. That is creepy on its own.

He shakes his head and puts the phone down, reaching for a glass of water. His hand curls around his half empty bourbon glass instead.

“…”

~

Hey, this is Stanley! I’m not available right now, but I will get back to you as soon as I can! Leave a message please! Have a nice day!

“Heyy...Stanley. This is Stellan. I’m a little drunk, I’m sure you can hear it in my voice. Just a little whiskey though, nothing to worry about. I mean, you’re going to worry anyway. You always worry, or you always act like you worry, despite being younger than me. It’s honestly kind of annoying, but that’s not why I called.”

It is like a train wreck, Stellan finds. He sees himself slumped over the kitchen counter, phone pressed tightly to his ear, the other hand clutching his once again full glass of whiskey. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, he knows this is a bad idea and he hates himself for entertaining it, but he doesn’t stop because the second he slows down, his thoughts will creep back in and he’d rather sit here at three am and ruin his relationship with his brother than lie in bed and think about the gaping void in his chest that eats him alive in the most painful way possible.

When their father died, there was numbness for a while. Stellan felt numb when he received the news, he felt numb when he called Stanley, he felt numb when he organized the funeral and he felt numb when he watched the coffin lower into the ground and get buried under mounds of dirt.

And then the pain set in, slowly spreading from his chest outward until he found himself crouching on the kitchen tiles, gasping for breath, certain he was going to be put into the ground just like Stanford Sommers had been a week prior.

The panic attacks didn’t fully go away but they felt less insurmountable when his head was clouded over with alcohol. He believed he could think better when he couldn’t feel anything but the stinging warmth of intoxication, even though he would be useless the next day from the killer hangover. It didn’t matter though. He would just do it all over again, the next time he felt helpless.

Stanley has been insufferably supportive. Stellan knows he handles grief in a different way; Stanley had booked a counselor soon after the funeral, joined a support group and started reading books about how to best handle the loss they both suffered. Even when he cried at the funeral, it was a quiet, collected cry, like he had practiced how to best do it.

It’s unfair to think that way about his brother, but in the face of his own helplessness, Stellan had started to feel resentment at how well Stanley was holding up.

The fight came only two weeks after their father’s death, one week after the funeral.

Stellan recounted it all into the phone.

“Do you remember the fight, Stanley…? Yeah, that one.” He slurs, once again feeling horror well up at what he’s about to put his brother through. “How did it even get started, I think you were trying to convince me to go to therapy with you or whatever. Oh- no, no, no. You booked a counseling session for us both without even asking me if I wanted to go. I know you were just trying to be nice but- really, Stanley? Just thinking about it makes me angry all over again.”

He straightens up, gritting his teeth. “I’m not some kid who needs his brother to hold his hand through grief, Stanley. I’ve felt it before, when Mom left us for some fucking asshole. I was old enough to remember that, you were sheltered from the worst of it by Dad. You always were. No matter what happened, I had to carry the burden of knowing how bad it had gone while you were coddled and protected. You never knew how bad it was, Stanley. And now you don’t get to pretend you’re better at grieving than me. You actually had the gall to snap at me when I told you this, like I went too far reminding you of it. At least Mom is still alive. At least you can see her whenever you want because you’re fucking shameless and can’t pick up the hint when someone doesn’t want your presence in their life. You got angry at me like I’m in the wrong when you’re the one who thinks he can bullet journal and meditate his father’s death away?

Dad is dead and you just put it on your to-do list, like it’s just another chore to get you through the day. Do the laundry, check. Take out the trash, check. Mourn for Dad, check. Tell your older brother he’s killing himself and pour his alcohol out when he’s not home because you’re ‘worried’ for his health, fucking check. If I want to go the same way Dad went then it’s my fucking right, Stanley.

You don’t get to make choices for my life when you’re breezing through your own like nothing can ever fucking touch you..”

He’s yelling now, unsure how much is even coherent and the tears are hot on his face, his chest is no longer a gaping hole but full of fire, full of rage. He wants to fight, he wants Stanley to pick up the phone so he can shout back, he wants to feel anything other than the looming emptiness that will crash over him the second he hangs up the phone and so he keeps shouting, he keeps talking.

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re even capable of feeling anything. Perfect Stanley, who always says and does and thinks and feels the right fucking thing trying to tell me how to live my fucking life like you have the slightest hint of how it’s like to be me. I grieved for Mom and I grieved for Dad and you’re out there like nothing ever happened. Moving on with your life after not even a month has passed, it’s like you never even cared to begin with. I- I hate how you do it.”

Tears fall onto the kitchen counter, the alcohol impeding his ability to hold back sobs.

“I hate how good you are with keeping your feelings together, I hate how unaffected you are. I hate how you make me feel like I’m broken for not being able to move on as quickly as you. I hate this. I hate talking with you about this, Stanley. I wish you would just stop coming over, I wish you would stop trying to help me, I don’t need your help, I don’t need you.”

Stellan gasps for air as he chokes on the next words, his voice strangled and weak.

“I hate how you’re forgetting to mourn Dad. And- and I don’t forgive you for it.”

The phone clatters as it falls onto the counter and for a while, Stellan just stands there and weeps into his hands. It doesn’t feel like relief. It feels like he’s dying, the walls crashing in around him and finally pulling him under. It doesn’t look like there’s a way out this time, and all he can do is wait for the inevitable darkness to take him.

He doesn’t know when he uploads the recording and presses send, his body is on autopilot, doing what it needs to do. Maybe he wants to be punished for what he just poured into Stanley’s voicemail. One more person to witness how far he’s depraved himself.

He drops his phone on counter once more and then stumbles to the couch, where he quietly weeps until exhaustion takes him.

~

Stellan awakes groggily about three PM to the sound of buzzing. He blearily sits up, his mind in a heavy fog. Just how much has he had to drink yesterday?

The events don’t come back yet, not until he stumbles over to the kitchen and picks up his phone to see who is making all that noise.

STANLEY IS CALLING…

All at once, everything comes back to him. The drunken voicemail, the shouting, those hateful words….

He presses ANSWER before he could chicken out. He made this mess. He needs to face it.

“Hey, Stel!” Stanley’s chipper voice is on the other end of the line.

“H...hey…?” Why isn’t he mad?

“Oh, tough night, huh? You sound horrible, no offense!” Stanley laughs lightly, and then launches into the next part of the conversation. “Listen, Dad and I are going to go drive out of the city this weekend, we thought it would be nice to take a walk in the warm weather today! Do you want to come along?”

“...Dad?”

“Yes, Dad and I! ….hello? Stel? Are you still there?”

The fight. The funeral. The dreaded phone call. It never happened. Reality comes crashing down around Stellan. It never happened. It never happened. He remembers a time when it did happen but- but he just saw his Dad yesterday. He looked just like how he had before the death that never occurred, tired but happy. He had mentioned something about a weekend getaway too and-

“Earth to Stellan!”

“S-sorry.” He feels sick. Part of it is from relief. “I- I’ll have to call you back, Stanley. Sorry. I’ll think about it.”

“No need to feel sorry! We’d love to have you there too!”

“Okay. Yeah. Thanks.”

“Drink some water, Dummy! I’ll talk to you later. Bye!”

Click.

Stellan fumbles with his phone, checking the call history. The phone call from last night is gone, but the text from ‘WOE.BEGONE’ is still there.

Someone had undone the conversation and his father’s death while he was passed out on the couch last night. But why? For what? Was this part of the game? And...what’s going to happen next?

[moonglittering]

♥

✨ anonymous. meme. still accepting!

♥ What's the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

this is kind of a continuation of the last ask cuz its the same community so this so around like 2010 or so. i was in an rp group and we had a skype chat right? one of the people there, let's call her Br, started talking about how she wanted to lynch black people. and look im an old internet person, 4chan edginess does not matter to me i dont care, say what you want its just words a screen who gives a fuck. trolling is kinda fun sometimes when done right. but she was actively talking about how she was gonna go try and do that? and was talking about how jim crow was a great idea and shit?

so me being mostly a Black™ was like. oh that's crazy im out.

i left the skype, other people followed. i left because i knew if i opened my mouth i'd hurt this ugly girls feelings. i know my capabilities, i know i hit below the belt.

a couple of hours pass and i go to the website we all rp'd on, it was an art community, and i see a blog entry on the front page that was like: Fuck Diren. and it was by Br's boyfriend.

homeboy went on a 10 paragraph rant on how i damaged br's rep even tho i just like. left the chat. i could've ruined br's rep or whatever, but i didnt. i left, other people followed and we made our own skype.

anyway the comments were agreeing and i commented: lmao you're so upset!

and i got JUMPED in the comments.

then i got banned for 2 weeks??????? even tho br came to the site and just started hurling slurs and i got the ban???? for saying

lmao you're so upset!

what the fuck. when i got unbanned my inbox was filled with photos of public lynchings and every slur for black ppl and native americans under the sun, even some i hadnt heard since the damn 90s. photos of the kkk and nazis too.

anyway those people are washed up now im very glad theyre unhappy. they should stay that way.

[lichengrl]

Twitter is dumb

This is kind of funny because it's kind of weirdly political but this is just something I was thinking about lately and I wanted to put my thoughts down somewhere but I'm too lazy to write it all out in my journal (sorry, running on no sleep always) but I guess that's what this blog is for, anyway, so it works out. I feel like the internet allows people to have shitty priorities. I'm trying not to use any language that's like "people nowadays" or shit that would make me sounds a hundred years old because 1. its not just young people perpetrating this kind of thing, and 2. I'm literally 18. I just feel like people on the internet get angry a lot, myself included, over things that in the grand scheme of things don't really matter at all. The accessibility of other people who will share your outrage and the ability to create an echo chamber is a tool that I don't think anyone should have. I feel like it must come from a place of boredom.

This is all coming from some tweets I saw yesterday. Well, more than just some. My whole explore page was full of this picture of this random alternative looking girl and people meming on her. I was confused on what was going on so I found a thread explaining and it turned out that this was an (allegedly) 17-year-old girl, (she looked younger to me, but even if she was 17, still very much a child.) and it seemed like all corners of twitter were coming together to hate on her because she was a racist and supported pedophilia. I looked through this whole thread, saw the screenshots, and immediately felt like it was a troll. obviously the use of racial slurs is wrong always, but as I learned more about it, especially the fact that this was a child, it seemed like maybe she didn't deserve the hate she was receiving, mainly from adults on the platform and greatly just commenting on this young girl's appearance. Her account was terminated, as it should be based on twitter's rules, but I think that should have been the extent of it. Not saying that it's right, but there are a LOT of people that age who say things akin to the things that she was saying to be "edgy" because they are children and haven't learned the actual weight of it. while I do think that her behavior should change, I don't think that widespread bullying from random people on the internet is necessarily going to help her in any way.

The pedophilia thing is where I started to get upset. The screenshots included to support the claim that she "supports pedophilia" were her saying things about wanting to be groomed and similar statements maintaining the theme of her wanting to be a victim of pedophilia. This is not a valid criticism whatsoever, especially considering the age of this girl. If anything, these statements by her should be met with concern and not backlash. At best, she's just making jokes without understanding the weight of the situation, but at worse, she could be a victim herself projecting these desires from a place of trauma, as many trauma victims turn to romanticism to cope. No matter what the reason she had for saying those things, I don't think strangers should be commenting on it publicly at all. I also found it striking that so many people found her comments so disgusting as, having been on the internet for any amount of time, especially twitter, I would assume that it was well known that (for adults, children still shouldn't be talking like this just for their own safety,) things like this are a fairly common fetish and far more egregious statements are made on the platform.

I think that this girl must have some form of mental illness, at least a need for attention, and I think that she should be met with support from people close to her and expressions of concern from people on the internet (since people on the internet can't stand to just leave people alone and for some reason feel the need to get involved. I think that the termination of her account is a good thing, but that insulting her appearance is actually fucking insane as this is a troubled child and not someone who is actually causing any harm. I thought about why this mattered so much to people and I realized that I could easily get sucked into such sensationalism, as it's really easy to, out of sheer boredom. When you spend a lot of time on the internet (like me, hello), it can be easy to latch onto something and see others sharing your opinion and perpetuate an echo chamber where a small situation can spiral into seeming like the biggest most pressing issue in the world. In reality, I wish that there was more reflection going on, which is difficult because it's so easy to see a post, form an opinion, and comment on it within a minute. twitter especially is made in a way that perfectly allows it to create a constant feedback loop, to receive instant validation, and to permeate outrage. In the end, I just hope that girl is okay, I hope she's able to learn despite the horrible things people are saying about her (which, if anything, would encourage her to continue her bad behavior, especially if she was seeking attention), and I hope that people forget about the whole situation in a few days.

I try to separate myself from this sort of thing because I start to get a savior complex, like I need to somehow change the entire nature of the internet. But even me commenting on this now is an example of someone seeing a small portion of the internet, thinking it's more important than it is, and getting angry about it. Isn't that funny? It's never-ending. But I guess that's it LOL

[emma-radfemcanu]

Another day of me having to defend Stefanos on the internet *sigh* and disclaimer- I am not saying that he doesn’t deserve criticism but as usual it’s way OTT

Basically in the Netflix Break Point show there’s a bit that covers his hideous match against Nick Kyrgios at Wimbledon last year (I’m not going into depth because it still upsets me a year later lol)- NK is appallingly behaved (verbal abuse towards umpires and opponents, spitting at the audience/ on court, being rude to ballkids) but a lot of people find him entertaining and umpires seem to let him get away with it. IDK why, I know each to their own but I find it incredibly uncomfortable to watch

Anyway it also covers Stef’s reaction to it (don’t get me wrong he didn’t cover himself in glory here either but I cannot blame him for being frustrated), he was unhappy and basically said something along the lines of NK being ‘uneducated’ and that kind of behaviour should be saved for basketball. And a few people have picked up on the racial undertones- and I absolutely get why, I feel like at best it was just badly expressed (funny that people seem to have conveniently forgotten that English is his 3rd language)

I think if Stef had said that about Tiafoe or someone there would be more ground to it, he is black NK isn’t- I think Tiafoe is quite annoying but he’s largely harmless, and it’s definitely true that some people get more shit for bad behaviour than others. But NK behaves awfully, he’s said himself that he wishes it was more like other sports, and I know that Stef is not the victim here but the double standards are something else- he’s getting piled on for this, but where was this energy for all the times when he was made fun of for being from a poorer country, or he’s been mocked for being too soft and sensitive (and then people will ask why there aren’t any out gay players, I mean there’s your answer)

Again I kind of feel bad for this because absolutely Stef deserves criticism for this, but it’s so transparent that most people only ‘care’ because they don’t like him and now they have an excuse. Like there was a Med fan on twitter making fun of Stef for flopping a bit this year (even though he’s been injured for a chunk of it) and just??? Is this really the time? Stef is rightly being criticised but this person is just using it as an excuse to shit on someone they don’t like? Rightly or wrongly if it was Casper or Andrey or anyone generally well liked who’d said it no one would care

But Stef did post on social media earlier apologising and trying to explain what he meant, and while it was definitely clumsy, he’s clearly gone to the effort of writing it himself instead of sending a shiny PR apology and I think that’s a good thing. Like I say, I’m honestly not trying to defend it (even though it was pretty clear what he meant in the first place) but the double standards and hypocrisy really bother me

I literally saw someone say that Stef may as well have said a racial slur or ‘wE dOnT wAnT bLaCk PeOpLe In ThIs SpOrT’ and that was certainly a reach- absolutely criticise him for what he did say, but let’s not pretend that he did that

At least Break Point is a flop lol

[bitegore]

mfs call me dragonfruit cuz im a gay ass little scalie

[proship-bill]

I understand the sentiment that shipping-neutral people have of "shipping discourse is meaningless outside of the internet" because to a degree they're right, but 1) that doesn't mean it isn't an issue worth talking about, and 2) antis are still more than happy to ruin you by doxxing you, encouraging you to self harm or commit suicide, calling up your place of work to accuse you of possessing CSEM, sending you triggering content, and using slurs and hateful language, because they somehow think it's justified to do all that over some drawings and/or fanfics they think are yucky. And all that isn't even taking into account how badly they wanna censor everything, how they're essentially the brand new "comics and video games are turning the children into violent murderers."

So while it's true that to the average person doesn't give a fuck about shipping discourse, and that not everybody has to fall neatly onto one side or the other, it's not the discourse itself that worries me. I think I speak for a lot of pro-shippers when I say that the actual concern we have is the harassment that antis love to participate in so much. The reason I say that being an anti is synonymous with being pro-harassment is because you can't really separate the two. You might be an anti that chooses not to harass anyone, but you still sit at the anti-shipping table with people who condone and often endorse harassment. Antis who say "oh but I don't agree with the harassment" don't do anything more proactive than just ignoring the harassment when it happens, so it runs absolutely rampant in anti-shipping circles and has abso-fucking-lutely become the expectation and the standard for how antis interact with pro-shippers (and shipping-neutral people as well).

It's been said before, but if you find yourself thinking "these ships with upsetting elements to them make me uncomfortable, but I know that they're not real and the people who ship them aren't doing so because it reflects the kinds of things they want to happen in real life, and being a hateful piece of shit to them is wrong" you are very likely not an anti but shipping-neutral and that's ok (although antis typically harbor a lot of animosity towards shipping-neutral people as well so welcome to the club). If you're thinking "I would never personally go harass someone over their disgusting yucky problematic ships, but it's ok if other people do because clearly those freaks deserve it", maybe consider fucking off.

[cinnamonest]

Since people actually liked it here's the continuation of the modern Xiao camgirl!darling post I cut from the original, as promised, most if it's under a cut. Here’s the original post. I didn’t think people would actually like the camgirl concept so I thought I was rambling too much and cut this part out lol but here it is now!

Tws: derogatory language/female slurs, mentions of reader being a cheater, reader is promiscuous, murder, incel-y mentality (our modern boy would be a 4chan user, look me in the eye and tell me I'm wrong) and mentions of upsetting realistic things, this one's darker than the first part. If you're bothered by other modern stuff for being too realistic best avoid this too probably, involuntary pornography ---------- Coming up on one year since you gained your most loyal subscriber, you get a rather... Unsettling request. He has something he would like this month, in fact, he adds a few hundred to the regular amount (he's been saving up just for this) and asks for just the answer to one simple question. What's your name?

Your real name, he clarifies. He doesn't need a last name, nothing like that. It would just... Make him feel closer to you. He avoids using the term "anniversary," even though that's what comes to mind. He also doesn't tell you that he already knows, that this is just a test of your honesty. For someone who's so cautious, you would think you would think to give a fake name whenever you go to coffee shops for them to yell out, or change it on the packages you get. You hesitate. And it would be easy to give him a fake one, yet, you don't really think about it too much, you kinda think about that as an afterthought, what you should have done, but your very real name is typed out and sent before you really process it, and you feel a sort of unease, but it's already sent. No big deal. He can't do much with just your first name, right? If your name is common, you feel pretty safe, but even if it's a rarer one, surely there are other people with it, right? He's happy though. Kinda surprised, really, that you didn't lie to him. Maybe you trust him?

You're not stupid, you know something is wrong, you're becoming paranoid. And you connect the weird feeling to him, bc he goes radio silence for several days leading up to finally taking you. This dude who used to respond to any messages you sent within 10 seconds suddenly... It's like he disappeared? He hasn't responded to anything you send him ever since you said your name. You send him messages saying you haven't heard from him in a while and you're worried... The way you word it makes it sound like you're worried about him, but you both know that's not what you really mean. You're hesitant and suspicious of every guy you meet. You buy pepper spray and start carrying some around, you nearly spray a poor guy who you thought was trailing you, turns out he just lives in your building. He makes note of it. He watched you buy it, and is quick to realize you always hold it in the same hand. That must be your dominant hand, that's an important mental note for the future, since you're more likely to try to attack him with that hand. He'll remember. He has a note in his phone with information like that. Height, weight, birthday, social security number, parents' names, school she graduated from. All in little bullet points. He adds dominant hand to the list. He's not worried at all really. Already watched you struggle to carry packages he could lift with one hand, your strength doesn't cross his mind as a threat. At first he just doesn't know what to say, and that's why he stops responding, he feels too awkward but... He starts to enjoy the weird feeling of power the whole situation is giving him. You're worried, you're constantly paranoid, and it's because of him. Now you finally understand the same feeling you inflict on him, how you consume his thoughts every waking moment of every day. It used to irritate him that you held so much power over him, while he meant nothing to you. Now, the tables have turned. You're forced to have him constantly in your mind, whether you like it or not, just like you are in his. It's giving you what you deserve. It gives him a feeling of significance. He matters, even if it's not in a good way. And he keeps telling himself that once he's all you have, he'll matter even more. He's smart enough to realize that if you're paranoid, you might have mentioned him by username to someone else, so to ensure he knows what to do from this point, he has to sneak into your apartment at night as you sleep. It's so unbearably tempting, you have no idea -- you're right there and so vulnerable. He has to hold himself back because he knows that if he so much as touched you, he couldn't hold back. But it's torture, standing there so close, watching your chest rise and fall as he fiddles with the phone. Even when he unlocks it with your thumb, he tries to hold the phone from an angle to do so, even if the skin of his hand grazes yours, it would be too much. You have a lot of contacts across your messages and a bunch of different apps. You have one guy in your online chat you've exchanged far more messages with than anyone else! Hundreds upon hundreds of messages, and huge paypal cash drops, who the hell is -- oh, wait, that's him. Nevermind. But, to his pleasant surprise, he's the only one of your... customers that you regularly talk to, the rest just have a few paypal notifications or clarifications on your policies, but no actual conversations like you have with him. Of course, that's literally part of your deal, he's literally paying for it, but it makes him happy nonetheless. But as he goes through your personal messages, he finds that you are... in no shortage of options. Like, holy shit. It was kind of expected. You *are* really pretty, that's how you have so many followers after all, but this is a lot. So many contacts named some variation of "DO NOT ANSWER!!!" or "creepy guy that forced me to give him my number at the club", etc etc. Plenty of unsaved numbers texting you to never get a response. You've ghosted enough dudes to make your place haunted. It's... kinda awful, really. It also kinda hurts his heart a bit more than he expected. You have so, so, so many options, even without the cam thing, he's more insignificant than he even realized. ...Well, for now, at least. He'll be significant to you soon enough. And then you seem to have a sort of "boyfriend of the month" deal going on, aside from that. Plenty of male-name contacts whose last exchange is a "don't talk to me again!" message from you, plenty of messages corresponding to the same time as those to your girl friends about how you can't find a good guy and every relationship ends badly. How unfortunate. See, it's because you choose bad guys. You probably go for dicks and not.... well, he can't exactly pull the "nice guys like me" mentality, he doesn't delude himself into thinking he is one. He's lucid enough to realize that most nice guys would not be sneaking into your house and standing over your sleeping body to stalk your phone as they make plans to kidnap you. He knows he would probably fall under the classification of a creepy guy. He's just too far gone to care. Still, he would be so much better to you, he tells himself, not a cheater or a player like you complain about. To say he resents those kinds of guys -- ones that can do the unthinkable and actually talk to girls, let alone successfully, only to be assholes, and yet girls like you still go for them -- is an understatement. You're basically just a slut, you probably ignore all the guys that would be nice to you, just like all those internet forums he reads talk about. Typical.

Well, those forums also make fun of guys like him who pay for girls like you, but he can't blame them. It *is* kinda pathetic. There is one dude you talk to, though, now. Current boyfriend of the month, from the looks of it. You have a little heart emoji next to the name. He knows it's kinda pathetic that something so simple and insignificant sets him off, but it does, makes him pout and grind his teeth and curl his other hand into a fist. It's so unfair. Some dude you barely know gets to fuck you, and you haven't even known him nearly as long as you've known him! He doubts this dude -- hell, any of your boyfriends -- has put in the same amount of money that he has into you. They fuck you practically for free. And that, unfortunately for you, only solidifies his decision. If you're fucking some dude for a month because they buy you dinner every now and then, if we're going by that scale, then you owe him quite a good deal of pussy. Any hesitancy or guilt he had about the whole thing is gone. And he's a little mad. Keeps grumbling to himself that you're just a loose whore, fucking so many people and putting yourself out there on the internet. He wonders if they even know about what you do. Probably not, you probably don't tell them. Yeah, that sounds like what you'd do. Really, you're kinda lucky that someone like him is so willing to commit to you, since you are a slut. You don't deserve it, but he loves you anyway. And you'll probably have the nerve to be ungrateful for it too. Sigh. On the bright side, by some miracle, it would appear that you have not told any real-life people about him, you haven't sent out any hey if I disappear you should probably look into this creep type of messages. But he can't afford to have you doing so in between now and when you move in with him, so, he decides he has to act within the next 24 hours. While he's here, though, he decides to do a quick sweep of your place. Makes note of what snacks and drinks you like, what brand of toothpaste and shampoo and the like you use, so he can buy some for you. Maybe you'll adjust better if you have some of your favorite things. And then, after days of silence, he sends you a message, says it's fine, his internet went out for a few days. He means it to reassure you, but somehow it makes you feel more uneasy. He has everything planned out, or so he thinks. But you deviate from your usual schedule. When you leave work or class, you don't go home, you go somewhere else, first. How strange. Maybe picking up groceries? He follows from a distance. No, looks like you're going out to eat...? Maybe you're meeting friends or family or -- no that's a guy. Fuck. You must have planned this just earlier today, since there were no messages on your phone. It makes a bitter feeling rise in his gut. He hates that he can't get close enough to listen to your conversation. Well, he hates the whole thing, sits there and seethes the whole time. Watches you through the windows in the parking lot, thankfully you chose to sit outside. Feels his eye twitch and his hand clench every time you smile and laugh. It takes way too long. The fact that you split the bill feels like a punch to the stomach too. Shouldn't you be used to taking guys' money? Oh, and what's this...? This guy isn't the picture on boyfriend-of-the-month's contact. Well, well, well. You really are a whore. See, it's a very good thing he's taking you off the market. You're probably a reckless heartbreaker too. He's doing all the other men of the world a favor by taking on such a burden as you. And it makes him feel far more justified in keeping you locked away, since he has every reason to believe, now, that you'd run off and fuck someone else if given the chance. Halfway through, the guy briefly gets up and runs to the bathroom or something. While he's gone, he sees your face fall a bit. And then he sees you look around. You turn your head from one side to the other. Your eyes scan the area. You shuffle uncomfortably and you bite your lip and your eyebrows furrow. You're scared. You feel like -- no, you know you're being watched and it scares you. That makes him a little happy, for some reason. He wouldn't be sure what to do if you went home with the guy, but thankfully you don't. No big deal, this was just a bump in the road, he still beats you back to your building and he still goes through with the original plan. Even better, now that it's even darker outside. If anything, now he's got extra aggression and testosterone in his blood, running over the events in his head and going through some... very forceful and violent fantasies. The message he sent had you uneasy, and it's also how you immediately know what's going on when it does finally happen. You keep telling yourself you're being unnecessarily paranoid, that it's nothing, maybe that guy actually got his life together or got a girlfriend or something. Things like... What you fear, don't happen in real life, that's stuff that only happens in movies and stuff. You keep calling it that or it in your head. That won't happen to you. It's not going to happen. The series of events that play out in your head, scenarios you try to push out of your mind. Sure, in the movies it always takes place in the stairwell, but that's fiction, so you go up the apartment stairwell as always. You're not gonna let a bunch of B-grade old films scare you. And it's always some dude standing and waiting, but that nice young boy that you've never seen before is just leaning against the wall, scrolling on his phone, he only glances up for a second as you pass by, he's not a threat, you're being paranoid. You flash a smile and a little wave as you walk by, he doesn't return either, just looks back down at his phone. See? This guy doesn't even care, you're being paranoid for nothing, you tell yourself. But as you make the turn to go up the next set of stairs you hear the click of a phone being put on the lockscreen, a few metallic footsteps ringing out in the open hall and echoing, coming up right behind you, but for that split second you expect a tap on the shoulder, maybe he has a question, it's not like movies, it's not like movies, you're not gonna get a cloth shoved over your face and--- Well, it's not exactly like the movies. You were prepared, but it all happens in one motion - one hand grabs the hand with the spray and twists it, making you drop it, the other wraps some material over your mouth. You were prepared enough that you don't gasp in surprise, you hold your breath and thrash, but it doesn't make any difference, you wiggle and writhe for a few moments but can't even begin to break free, eventually succumb to the lack of oxygen and take a deep breath. It takes a few seconds to settle in, it's not so immediate. You instinctively panic and thrash again, but he has a complete iron grip. The dizziness takes a second to set in. He huffs a bit in frustration and says stop moving, it's fine. It's definitely not, but it occurs to you that that's not something a kidnapper looking for any potential vulnerable girl says. It's a poor attempt at comfort. It's someone specifically looking for you. And if that wasn't enough, he says your name. Your very real name. Maybe it was a mistake to tell him after all. But the worst part of it all is that there's not a single doubt in your mind, even in your panic you have the realization, it's definitely him and this is literally exactly what you were afraid of. And it's the last thing that goes through your head. And once he's got you out cold he just takes a sigh of relief. He may have been very neutral faced to you, but in reality he was incredibly nervous. He hasn't exactly made or used chloroform before, our boy is operating on YouTube tutorials here. He's got adrenaline pumping through his veins and carries you with his arms trembling. He's on autopilot carrying you out, but his mind is also consumed by holy fuck I'm touching her she smells so nice she's so warm her face is so close I'm actually touching her-- you get the idea. He feels bad about taping your hands and feet together and putting you in the trunk of his car, kinda. It feels too much like what a really bad person would do to a girl they didn't care about, like he's a trafficker or a murderer or a criminal or something, but that's not true at all. Sure, he's still mad at you for being a whore and all that, but it feels improper, he just has no choice. It's late at night, but he can't risk getting pulled or being at a stoplight and someone seeing an unconscious girl in his backseat, so, trunk it is. But once he's home, to his tiny little downtown apartment (he'll probably be able to move into a better place soon, since he's not paying you tons of money anymore), he takes a quick check to make sure the coast is clear, and drags you out, up the stairs, all the way into his apartment, sets you down on the bed, where you'll be staying. He even washed the sheets and cleaned the place up a bit for your arrival. You probably would not like to see what this place looked like before the five trash bags worth of cleaning was done. He'll probably be more motivated in the future, though, since now he won't be so depressed all the time. And then the adrenaline of the fear of being seen is over, and that's when it sets in that this is real. It's very, very hard to hold back. You're real, in the flesh, he can reach out and touch you with his hands! It feels like a dream. And he realizes he can take this opportunity to do things he would be far, far too embarrassed to do when you're awake. He takes a few minutes to do just that, cautiously reaches out to poke your face, and then run a hand down your neck, your skin is so soft! Your hair smells so nice, he lays down beside you and runs his fingers over it. Puts hands on your body and just lays there in awe of the fact that you're real. He's pretty certain he's never actually touched a human female before now. Everything about you feels soft. Weirdly feminine, which is something very foreign and confusing to him. And he kinda uh... Loses it. Goes buckwild with just taking in every aspect of you. Again, since you're unconscious he can be gross and entirely shameless about it. Peels your clothes off and runs his hands and mouth over every inch of flesh, takes the tape off your lips and presses his tongue into your limp mouth until he's forced to let go to breathe, fingers you and tonguefucks you and sucks on your nipples and your neck. Lays pressed against you and just breathes in your scent. It takes every ounce of self control he has not to fuck you already. But he does jerk off a few times. That way he'll last longer, so it's a win-win. And then... you twitch. Tape goes back over your mouth. And then, you twitch again. And this time, you make a little "mm!" under the tape, you start trembling and he sees you try to pull your hands apart. You whimper. It sounds scared and distressed. He feels kinda bad, but it also makes him hard, and that outweighs any guilt by far. Besides, it's what you deserve after what you did earlier. You tortured him mentally, it's only fair. On the good side of things, you suppose, you don't have to worry about the usual fears one would have over such a situation - you're fairly certain he's not going to kill you, nor sell you. In fact, the bed you wake up on is pretty soft. You're naked and the tape is uncomfortable, but... At least he was considerate enough to give you a blanket. He does care about you, after all. First thing he says is asking if you're awake. Can you hear me? You hesitate a moment, and then you nod. He's a bit new to this whole abduction thing. He wants to make sure he didn't pull a muscle or something with the tape. So... Do you hurt anywhere? Does your head hurt? Oh, right, the tape. He's not stupid either. You have to promise you're not going to scream. In fact, he's angry enough about earlier that he gets a bit meaner than he originally told himself he'd be. If you scream, I'll make you regret it. Understand? You nod, so he takes it off, holding it close in preparation in case you were lying, but you don't actually answer him, you're silent again for a minute, then just ask a question of your own. You're that guy, right? He's silent for a few seconds, there's no need for any clarification. Finally just says yeah. You just breathe again. Silently. Finally you summon the courage to ask him what he wants with you. And why are you doing this to me? And his answer is fairly simple. What do you think? You don't say anything for a minute, and neither does he. He's not good with words, and you don't really have ones for this situation. It occurs to you that offering to pay him to let you go is probably not the solution. After all, this is the guy that's dumped unimaginable amounts of money onto you, you couldn't even come close to paying him back. You figure maybe, after he gets what he wants... well, you get the courage to ask.  Is there anything... that I can do o-or... anything that will make you... are you gonna let me go, after you....? And the answer is, again, simple, but the one you did not want to hear. No. He's a blunt boy, so he doesn't beat around the bush, but he doesn't torment you by keeping anything from you. In fact, he's already rehearsed this speech a few hundred times in his head. He just wanted to make sure he's very clear so there's no misunderstanding, and while he likes some discomfort in a vengeful sort of way, he doesn't want you to be too freaked out to where you have a panic attack. He says he's just going to... keep you here. He has the things you'll need. He got your purse with your keys, so he'll even run to your apartment after this to go get some of your stuff. You don't need to tell him which number, he adds, he already knows which apartment you're in. He needs you here, he says. And he makes sure to add that it's your fault. If you were never out there selling yourself in the first place, this never would have happened. If you're good, he can make things a bit better for you. But you need to go ahead and accept that you're going to be staying and that no amount of begging or offers is going to convince him to let you go. He can be nice to you, he promises. A better boyfriend than the others. You just have to be a good girlfriend -- you know, obedient and sweet and do what he says. Just like you always were when you talked to him. Just keep being sweet like that and doing the things he tells you to do. You would argue that the terms boyfriend and girlfriend are not appropriate descriptors of the sort of relationship he's creating, but you keep that thought to yourself. Instead, you ask, How long are you going to keep me here? Which is a dumb question, since he's pretty sure he already made that clear. Forever. -----

There's a double homicide in the area. Takes place on the same night, and the same diameter of knife is used, so police believe maybe the two incidents are connected. Especially because they do have something in common, one girl. She was romantically involved with both of them. The girl in question's apartment has been vacated, very suddenly, and the girl has disappeared without a trace, taking things with her from the looks of it, so police believe she may be responsible, but other than that, they have no leads. A few weeks later, a video circulates all over the internet. Some famous camgirl finally started making porn, apparently. Just one video, but the description (which was totally written by her, it has to be since it's written in first person right?) says something about how she decided to quit camming, so this video marks the end of her career. She got into a relationship, so she says in the description, so she has to quit. It's roleplay porn, apparently, she's doing a good job at the acting. All tied up and gagged and getting fucked by some big-dicked guy holding the camera. He's silent, but she's making a ton of noise, cums several times. Really good acting, the fear and desperation in her eyes looks so real. Talk about going out with a bang. It gets a lot of likes. Tons of comments about how sad people are she's quitting. And of course, a lot of comments say, what a lucky guy.